I am writing today as I was told to by my therapist. The point of my first blog post is to help somebody else who could be going through something similar and let them know they aren’t alone. I am hoping to bring you some sense of comfort that I wish I had these days. Four days ago, I got my heart torn apart by the man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I don’t think he gives a damn about me because he let me go. When we were together, time didn’t exist and we would never want to leave each other’s side. We would have to almost pull each other away from ourselves. It was that kind of beautiful rare love and chemistry that is hard to find and feel.
There were many difficulties we faced during this time such as age difference, non approval from others, trust issues and to top it off my parents are his boss. I am 20 and he is 37. We met at work which is not the ideal place to meet your potential lover, but things some times just happen that are out of your control. We texted for about a year and continued to work together. I thought we would never hang out outside of work because it was risky getting involved with someone you had to see pretty much every week.
One day at work I was alone for the first time and we decided to spend time together after the event. I will never forget the way I ran into his arms and how his lips touched mine immediately. It was as if we had held in something so precious and just let it all out at once. This was different than anything I had ever experienced. There was almost a sense of urgency. It was something we knew from the start that we couldn’t and shouldn’t have yet was the most magical thing. The way he picked me up, took control of my body and the passion in that moment was unforgettable.
That day was the beginning of what would ultimately lead us to the end. That year we never kissed again. Just continued to work and talk. He finally asked me out on a real date the following year in March or April I can’t remember. His songs blasting in the car and us singing with the biggest smiles across our face is how I’ll always remember our first couple dates. The way he chewed his food was adorable. Time was too short and felt like we were making up for all this lost time.
We wound up having a failed relationship, but still continued to see each other. Work made it hard to ever get over what we had, because we would see each other again and all the feelings would coming zooming back. No matter what we were mad or sad at, we would forget the minute we saw each other. I don’t think he was right for me because I would get scared of things he would do that seemed sketchy and would run away and disappear from him. He would chase me with texts and phone calls that would go unanswered. I took the few months to discover what I really wanted in my life. I realized what I had with him was so special and didn’t want to lose him ever again, even though it meant putting up with his odd mysterious antics. I loved him so much.
A lot of unnecessary drama happened that I don’t want to burden you with, but the last few months I attempted to get back together and show him that I would never run away from the love we had. He said I had a lot of growing to do, but he wanted to be there for me as a friend and that we could still see each other and so we did. I told him it felt like Friends with Benefits, because we would still get physical with each other after what ever friend “date” we would go on. He did say lets not get physical and just talk as friends. But I am telling you right now that somebody you are in love with, it is not possible to just be friends. He would tell me every day how much he loved me, how he saw us getting married in the future and having kids, yet we were not in a relationship. He sent me the nicest text on New Years saying ” I love you and I appreciate you being the love of my life. You make me a better person. You mean so much to me and I can’t imagine living without you.” He would go on to tell me how this year he couldn’t wait to make love to me while looking deep into my eyes. I would go a long with it, because my feelings were the exact same as his. After a few months of giving my best effort, I realized he was comfortable in the friend area, because he did not have to make a commitment to me where I wanted to be committed and exclusive with him. He told me to tell any guy that asked me if I was single to say I am emotionally “unavailable.” I found out from a girl at my work that wanted to date him, that he said he was single. This confusing part of the relationship was no longer confusing. His answer was different than mine. Emotionally unavailable vs single. So I asked him on the phone for the last time if that is what he wanted, because I knew I was ready for a relationship with him. I wanted to give him everything, and be there for him. And he said he did not want to commit to me and remain as more than friends, but not a couple.
Lying there on my bed, I had my answer. I felt used and completely destroyed. Somebody I was giving all my attention to didn’t want me the way I wanted him. I was told I was a child and I don’t know why I was attracted to somebody so much older than me. Right? There are so many guys my age that are nice and everything, but I guess it’s true. We want what we can’t have.
So, I decided to give up four days ago and told him “I can’t do this. You are confusing saying how you want to be inside me and make love to me, but can’t commit to me this doesn’t make sense.” And, that was that. The saddest part about it was how easy it was for him to say “Ok” rather than “No baby I can’t lose you I want to be with you only.” There had been only one person saying that the whole two months and that was me.
Rejection was hard, but I figure it is God’s way of looking out for me. Saving me from the wrong person. I figure it’s time to move on and not have any negative feelings toward that situation. Did I cry that whole day and not eat the past couple days? Yes. I dropped twenty pounds and my mother called me anorexic. This is not for sympathy rather that I realized the past two months I lived a lie and in a fantasy world. Everyone has there own way of dealing with sadness, whether it’s eating junk food or not eating at all which I learned was my way to cope. Realizing you were nothing to someone who was your everything. Or if not nothing, something on the side was the hardest part.
His words were haunting me as we were continuing the friendship and that’s where emotionally I felt lost and that he was playing games with my head. How could you talk about how you see us marrying each other and having kids when you can’t do step one which is be in a committed relationship?
At the end of the day, why give a man so much power? Why do you get sad if he does something wrong? Does any person control me? The answer is No. As hard as it is, I love the amazing beautiful person I am and I know what I fucking deserve. I have really nice men and women around me at school, work and everywhere. Why let one person control me who is not even there for me during the hard times?
I really did love him, whether he meant it or not, I love him enough to let this go. I am still grieving, and he seems completely fine which is always like huh? You said you loved me, but act like it means shit for you to let this go. But who cares. It’s over. It’s done.
I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have faith that during this time I will be able to see my friends more that I didn’t have time for and continue to meet nice, caring people. This relationship taught me the concept of self love. If you attach yourself to somebody, you will always be let down.
Will I look for him in everyone I date? Always. I will always long for that special connection we had. The drought was the very worst. From speaking to him every day, to not saying anything all. I do cry randomly and listen to old voice messages of his sometimes, but then I remember how my feelings were tampered with. The love I have for him will never fade, and I do have to see him starting in March- December a lot of weekends. But you best be knowing I will not let him in. I love myself more than allowing him any type of power to hurt me ever again. I drowned, but I am fighting my way up to the top of the water again. This time alone. And I won’t say his name but to the man who I thought was the love of my life I am sorry. I am sorry if I ever did anything to you that wasn’t enough. Even though I showed you how much love I could provide you with, you didn’t want only that. Thank you for showing me what it was like for me to finally love a man with all that I could and experiencing the most intimate moments I have ever shared with anyone. No matter who I ever end up with, you will always be the one in the back of my mind. The way we kissed with all that joy and passion and the way you held me in your arms when we looked in the mirror and saw each other almost making love. I love you and I meant it.
If anyone can relate to something similar, even if it is a work relationship I would appreciate comments or posts. Thank you for taking the time to read.