mistake with an ex, and a coworker.

If you are reading this I hope first of all that you are having a good day. I did a horrible thing the past couple weeks, and that is why I have been absent.

If you have read my past two blogs, you would know that I was done with my ex and I wasn’t ever going to talk to him. Well we were still friends on one social media site, and he left funny comments on some of my pictures and we slowly started talking again. Texts became long phone calls and before you knew it, we were back where we started…

He was telling me how much he loved me and how stupid he felt of letting me go blah blah BLAH. I told him I am moving on, and he said no matter what, if you get involved with someone else or not, at the end of the day I know it is gonna be me and you that gets married. I told him what?! I don’t believe that. He is the type of guy that I feel has played with my head when I was always at my lowest point. BOTTOM LINE: NEVER GO BACK OR LET SOMEONE IN THAT BROKE YOU; IT WONT FIX YOU OR HELP. YOU ARE LEFT WITH THE SAME CONFUSION OF WHY IT ENDED.

We kept talking on the phone and were planning to see each other and since we are coworkers he always flirts with other women at our work to get back at me because he is aware it bothers me. The sad thing is he continues to do it after he said he wouldn’t. On social media he commented on one of the girl’s pictures with her body up against a wall “Damn what a lucky wall” LOL. And she is married but insecure.

There are more things like he would always hide her texts from me and in front of me he will say things to her like “hey why didn’t you text me back?” or “hey text me” and looks at my face knowing I will feel hurt by it.

So after crying my eyes out that night, I finally decided this is it. I have to end ALL communication with this lying asshole. If he is flirting with an older woman who is married and has kids, and said he wouldn’t already tells me enough. He doesn’t “LOVE” me. I am not the “LOVE” of his life. BULL. SHIT. It was all a game to him. To play with my head. Good thing I never had sex with him.. Thank GOD. Thank you GOD.

The joke is on me. Why would I even be attracted to an old ass man who is nothing but full of his own ego. I know I sound bitter right now, but if you knew him he is the type of guy who will like his own facebook and instagram post every single. time.

So anyways, the fact that I am still talking about this man is ridiculous. I had some therapist help, and they said this man needs to be CUT out of your life. He doesn’t respect you, love you, or even care about you. Because if he did, he wouldn’t do things that he knows hurts you. I blocked him on everything. If he has reached out via text or call I wouldn’t know and I don’t care anymore. His love meant absolutely nothing. He is into every woman it seems that shows him some type of attention. Therefore, my love for him feels dumb. If anyone can have it, I don’t want it.

The sad thing is I work with both of them and I have to see them. Which I don’t care because they deserve each other. Both insecure hopeless souls. I am dating now, and realize there are so many better people with character out there.

Sorry I had to get this anger out. Have you ever broke up with a coworker and ended on horrible terms, because they were such a liar? I have been happier dating new people and letting go of any emotion that was felt, since he treats every woman in the same flirty way.

Flashbacks happen; but continue the journey



Hope you guys are all having a good day. I have been busy at work and with college so I haven’t really been able to be on here. I went to bed last night trying to distract myself from the sad thoughts I was feeling. I finally went to bed and woke up. Checked my phone and right there on it was 4 unread text messages from my ex. I opened it and all it said was “Remember this?” Then it was 3 different angled pictures of the pants he bought when we were on one of our dates together.

Right away my brain thought of how much fun we had that day. How we went to dinner together and sat next to each other, giggling, kissing and eating.. It took everything in me to not say “Awe babe I remember how much fun we had that day.” I chose to not respond. Felt like if I responded that he would think everything is suddenly okay between us, which it isn’t. He didn’t want to commit to us and it sucks that we can’t be friends. But it is the hard cold truth. I don’t understand why he felt the need to text me. I said I was done. I know he is not begging me to talk to him, or get back together. It was a simple text, but it was a reminiscent one.

I cannot be friends with somebody I am in love with. It will confuse me like it did the past month if I go back to him and give him the time of day. I thought by responding would show him that we can have normal conversations with out him wanting a relationship with me, which I do not accept. I am not a selfish person I have so much love to give, but after getting hurt so many times, isn’t it only right to choose self love at some point? Have you experienced this struggle where the temptation is there, but you know better?

The show is over. It was so fulfilling and entertaining, but eventually left me empty. I distracted myself at work and am feeling more positive. It is funny how you can read something or see a text from somebody who was your everything and let it affect you. I don’t want to give my power away anymore, but I am definitely improving. We are not perfect and accepting that is a major step.

This picture below is exactly how I feel. By responding to his message I would be disrespecting what I had said and for the first time with a temptation, I chose myself. I want to forget about my history with him, but the truth is I will never forget him. When I see him, I remember all the things we did together, how he tried to make love to me. But, the scar he left was bigger than his love and I accept what it is and this too shall pass.

Feel free to leave a comment letting me know if this relates to anybody out there.

Path to Happiness; Let go and Let Love In

My last post was really negative and I’m sorry I am trying my best. I just want to be transparent with you. I don’t want to be a Debby downer. Sometimes we feel great, sometimes we don’t. I want who ever reading this to know that once again you are not alone. I don’t like being alone, but I’ve learned it is okay to be. You discover things about yourself that you did not know before. You do not need anyone to complete you. I had this realization and it fucking empowered me. I can do this. I can live and survive with out the love I once craved. Once we say that to ourselves and don’t take it personal and realize there is something better awaiting us in the future, is when we can know that no matter who did us wrong why let them take away our happiness and joy when we have so much to offer to this beautiful crazy world? I can get out there, I can be myself again. Even though I am a little broken, aren’t we all a little broken inside? I was told I was emotionally unstable by my ex, but don’t we all have days where we have ups and downs?

Love is something that will never go away, at least for me. The people I have invested my love into is a feeling that will not just fade. Maybe it can for the other person, but I am deciding to choose love over everything. No matter how bad someone or the love of your life did you wrong, at the end of the day I know seeing his/their face will always put a smile on my face.  No matter the circumstance or if there was a problem/fight, seeing their name pop up on you phone or seeing them in person whether it is on purpose or on accident. Even if they have moved on. Just the thought of them, if that makes you happy I feel like that is love. Right? What are your definitions of love? Have you had any experiences were you felt the presence of love from another man or woman?


Daily Battle

Today has been interesting. I am a full time student and work a business job. I feel like I sound like a whinny baby writing these posts, but I am just being real with you guys and it is the one place I can be completely honest with my feelings. I feel lost.

Sometimes I think would I have rather felt nothing at all than something with my past failed relationship. Is it even considered a failure if the universe was looking out for you and saving you from a guy who is not good for you? Experiencing the amazing feeling of my first love was something I never wanted to let go of. I can’t stop thinking about him.

When I go to work or school or hang out with my friends I try to stay involved without using my phone, but I am longing for that same connection where it was like your best friend and lover. Have you ever felt lost? I am definitely going to enjoy myself and do what I want. I just miss him and that’s all.

What is hard now is when ever I said I was done in this off and on relationship, he would come chasing me with phone calls and texts, and now it is different. No messages. No missed phone calls. We do not speak at all.  So I am not going to lie every time I am on my phone, I am hoping there will be some message from him saying “I miss you”. But there isn’t, and that is the saddest part. Funny thing is I wouldn’t respond because I have to have self respect and remember what I am worth. I guess just knowing that they are thinking of you means something.  When you realize somebody who you loved and claimed to love you is completely done even though I know it is this because I said I couldn’t do this anymore. Frankly, I don’t know if I will ever be done. How do you get over somebody that was your first “love”? Not only that, have to see them at work pretty much every weekend where NO ONE knows about the intimacy and love we shared. The picture below is what our last two months felt like while we were spending time together. Me getting blamed for running away from him in the past, saying how we should trust the process and take it slow, but after a certain period of your lover saying deep stuff “you are the love of my life.” Runs deep. Comment below your experiences if you can relate to this, it would mean a lot.




Fighting with Love

Hi there.

I am writing today as I was told to by my therapist. The point of my first blog post is to help somebody else who could be going through something similar and let them know they aren’t alone. I am hoping to bring you some sense of comfort that I wish I had these days. Four days ago, I got my heart torn apart by the man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I don’t think he gives a damn about me because he let me go.  When we were together, time didn’t exist and we would never want to leave each other’s side. We would have to almost pull each other away from ourselves. It was that kind of beautiful rare love and chemistry that is hard to find and feel.

There were many difficulties we faced during this time such as age difference, non approval from others, trust issues and to top it off my parents are his boss. I am 20 and he is 37. We met at work which is not the ideal place to meet your potential lover, but things some times just happen that are out of your control. We texted for about a year and continued to work together. I thought we would never hang out outside of work because it was risky getting involved with someone you had to see pretty much every week.

One day at work I was alone for the first time and we decided to spend time together after the event. I will never forget the way I ran into his arms and how his lips touched mine immediately. It was as if we had held in something so precious and just let it all out at once. This was different than anything I had ever experienced. There was almost a sense of urgency. It was something we knew from the start that we couldn’t and shouldn’t have yet was the most magical thing. The way he picked me up, took control of my body and the passion in that moment was unforgettable.

That day was the beginning of what would ultimately lead us to the end. That year we never kissed again. Just continued to work and talk. He finally asked me out on a real date the following year in March or April I can’t remember. His songs blasting in the car and us singing with the biggest smiles across our face is how I’ll always remember our first couple dates. The way he chewed his food was adorable. Time was too short and felt like we were making up for all this lost time.

We wound up having a failed relationship, but still continued to see each other. Work made it hard to ever get over what we had, because we would see each other again and all the feelings would coming zooming back. No matter what we were mad or sad at, we would forget the minute we saw each other. I don’t think he was right for me because I would get scared of things he would do that seemed sketchy and would run away and disappear from him. He would chase me with texts and phone calls that would go unanswered. I took the few months to discover what I really wanted in my life.  I realized what I had with him was so special and didn’t want to lose him ever again, even though it meant putting up with his odd mysterious antics. I loved him so much.

A lot of unnecessary drama happened that I don’t want to burden you with, but the last few months I attempted to get back together and show him that I would never run away from the love we had. He said I had a lot of growing to do, but he wanted to be there for me as a friend and that we could still see each other and so we did. I told him it felt like Friends with Benefits, because we would still get physical with each other after what ever friend “date” we would go on. He did say lets not get physical and just talk as friends.  But I am telling you right now that somebody you are in love with, it is not possible to just be friends. He would tell me every day how much he loved me, how he saw us getting married in the future and having kids, yet we were not in a relationship. He sent me the nicest text on New Years saying ” I love you and I appreciate you being the love of my life. You make me a better person. You mean so much to me and I can’t imagine living without you.” He would go on to tell me how this year he couldn’t wait to make love to me while looking deep into my eyes.  I would go a long with it, because my feelings were the exact same as his. After a few months of giving my best effort, I realized he was comfortable in the friend area, because he did not have to make a commitment to me where I wanted to be committed and exclusive with him. He told me to tell any guy that asked me if I was single to say I am emotionally “unavailable.” I found out from a girl at my work that wanted to date him, that he said he was single. This confusing part of the relationship was no longer confusing. His answer was different than mine. Emotionally unavailable vs single. So I asked him on the phone for the last time if that is what he wanted, because I knew I was ready for a relationship with him. I wanted to give him everything, and be there for him. And he said he did not want to commit to me and remain as more than friends, but not a couple.

Lying there on my bed, I had my answer. I felt used and completely destroyed. Somebody I was giving all my attention to didn’t want me the way I wanted him. I was told I was a child and I don’t know why I was attracted to somebody so much older than me. Right? There are so many guys my age that are nice and everything, but I guess it’s true. We want what we can’t have.

So, I decided to give up four days ago and told him “I can’t do this. You are confusing saying how you want to be inside me and make love to me, but can’t commit to me this doesn’t make sense.” And, that was that. The saddest part about it was how easy it was for him to say “Ok” rather than “No baby I can’t lose you I want to be with you only.” There had been only one person saying that the whole two months and that was me.

Rejection was hard, but I figure it is God’s way of looking out for me. Saving me from the wrong person. I figure it’s time to move on and not have any negative feelings toward that situation.  Did I cry that whole day and not eat the past couple days? Yes. I dropped twenty pounds and my mother called me anorexic. This is not for sympathy rather that I realized the past two months I lived a lie and in a fantasy world. Everyone has there own way of dealing with sadness, whether it’s eating junk food or not eating at all which I learned was my way to cope. Realizing you were nothing to someone who was your everything. Or if not nothing, something on the side was the hardest part.

His words were haunting me as we were continuing the friendship and that’s where emotionally I felt lost and that he was playing games with my head. How could you talk about how you see us marrying each other and having kids when you can’t do step one which is be in a committed relationship?

At the end of the day, why give a man so much power? Why do you get sad if he does something wrong? Does any person control me? The answer is No. As hard as it is, I love the amazing beautiful person I am and I know what I fucking deserve. I have really nice men and women around me at school, work and everywhere. Why let one person control me who is not even there for me during the hard times?

I really did love him, whether he meant it or not, I love him enough to let this go. I am still grieving, and he seems completely fine which is always like huh? You said you loved me, but act like it means shit for you to let this go. But who cares. It’s over. It’s done.

I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have faith that during this time I will be able to see my friends more that I didn’t have time for and continue to meet nice, caring people. This relationship taught me the concept of self love. If you attach yourself to somebody, you will always be let down.

Will I look for him in everyone I date? Always. I will always long for that special connection we had. The drought was the very worst. From speaking to him every day, to not saying anything all. I do cry randomly and listen to old voice messages of his sometimes, but then I remember how my feelings were tampered with. The love I have for him will never fade, and I do have to see him starting in March- December a lot of weekends. But you best be knowing I will not let him in. I love myself more than allowing him any type of power to hurt me ever again. I drowned, but I am fighting my way up to the top of the water again. This time alone. And I won’t say his name but to the man who I thought was the love of my life I am sorry. I am sorry if I ever did anything to you that wasn’t enough. Even though I showed you how much love I could provide you with, you didn’t want only that. Thank you for showing me what it was like for me to finally love a man with all that I could and experiencing the most intimate moments I have ever shared with anyone. No matter who I ever end up with, you will always be the one in the back of my mind. The way we kissed with all that joy and passion and the way you held me in your arms when we looked in the mirror and saw each other almost making love. I love you and I meant it.

If anyone can relate to something similar, even if it is a work relationship I would appreciate comments or posts. Thank you for taking the time to read.