Today has been interesting. I am a full time student and work a business job. I feel like I sound like a whinny baby writing these posts, but I am just being real with you guys and it is the one place I can be completely honest with my feelings. I feel lost.
Sometimes I think would I have rather felt nothing at all than something with my past failed relationship. Is it even considered a failure if the universe was looking out for you and saving you from a guy who is not good for you? Experiencing the amazing feeling of my first love was something I never wanted to let go of. I can’t stop thinking about him.
When I go to work or school or hang out with my friends I try to stay involved without using my phone, but I am longing for that same connection where it was like your best friend and lover. Have you ever felt lost? I am definitely going to enjoy myself and do what I want. I just miss him and that’s all.
What is hard now is when ever I said I was done in this off and on relationship, he would come chasing me with phone calls and texts, and now it is different. No messages. No missed phone calls. We do not speak at all. So I am not going to lie every time I am on my phone, I am hoping there will be some message from him saying “I miss you”. But there isn’t, and that is the saddest part. Funny thing is I wouldn’t respond because I have to have self respect and remember what I am worth. I guess just knowing that they are thinking of you means something. When you realize somebody who you loved and claimed to love you is completely done even though I know it is this because I said I couldn’t do this anymore. Frankly, I don’t know if I will ever be done. How do you get over somebody that was your first “love”? Not only that, have to see them at work pretty much every weekend where NO ONE knows about the intimacy and love we shared. The picture below is what our last two months felt like while we were spending time together. Me getting blamed for running away from him in the past, saying how we should trust the process and take it slow, but after a certain period of your lover saying deep stuff “you are the love of my life.” Runs deep. Comment below your experiences if you can relate to this, it would mean a lot.